I delivered a series of workshops this past week on resolving conflict. I tried to emphasize how to minimize and prevent conflict – when possible. Whenever I am discussing personal behavior change, I often hear that the real problem is “my boss” or “my co-worker” and that “they should be in the session.” Of course.

Although training and coaching can be effective when people are highly motivated, one of the most powerful and effective approaches to influencing others to change their behavior is to model it yourself. This works at an individual and organizational level. The adage is definitely true that actions speak louder than words. People respond (learn) at a more visceral level by what they observe.

Modeling is double-edged. It may also have an undesired affect if our actions are incongruent with what we say or claim to be important. This type of incongruency might be considered hypocrisy by others and can actually destroy what we are trying to accomplish. Being more self-aware would help dramatically.

Despite positive intent and the best ideas for ourselves and others, we fail as leaders, managers, supervisors, peers, friends, parents, spouses, partners, etc. when we are not careful in avoiding hypocritical behavior. Hypocrite may sound like a strong word, that we are reluctant to attach to ourselves or others, but it may be the appropriate word.

Hypocrisy is more than just annoying. When the stakes are high it impacts the degree to which we trust each other and our institutions. When a manager says it’s important that the team supports each other, and then that same manager bad mouths one member behind the back of another – that’s hypocrisy and that’s a problem.

Our good ideas are usually not enough to influence and lead others in the direction we want them to go. The best ideas and intent are meaningless when we as individuals or as organizations act hypocritically. The result can even be a setback in credibility and trust that can take a long time to recover from, if at all. Unfortunately there are daily and high profile, examples of hypocritical behavior from politicians, business leaders, sports figures, etc. Let’s use these examples as reminders of what not to do.

I believe that sometimes we focus too much on what we think, our positive intentions, and not enough on what we do, our contradictory behavior. How do we act like a hypocrite at work or at home? Are we not getting the results we want or the relationships we want because our behavior contradicts what we say is important?

Yes, modeling can be very powerful. Beware and be careful.