A good coaching and leadership practice is to focus on readiness, before moving forward with exploring ideas for improvement. Despite the fact that people may express a rational desire to accept new methods or approaches, the degree to which they are emotionally bound to the way they are currently operating will determine what they actually do to follow-through with the change.

When we work with people, before focusing our attention on what and how something could or should be done, we might want to spend time digging at and helping to remove the emotional roots of their old ways. These may be the real obstacles to acceptance that are reinforcing their habits, not our lack of persuasive skills or their lack of understanding of the potential benefits.

Some good questions to ask are:

• How is what (or how) you’re doing working for you?
• What problem(s) do you see in the way you are doing things?
• What would have to happen for you to consider making a change?
• What are your doubts and concerns?
• What are you unsure about when you think about making a change?
• What happened the last time you tried a similar change?
• What new knowledge or skills do you need to change?
• What are the current (or anticipated) demands on your time and attention?

Previous experience, work and personal, will strongly influence how ready people are to accepting and adopting any new approach, regardless of its merits. The more we can learn about that experience and how it may influence their current choices, the more effective we can be as we try to help.

© 2011 Jim Delia

After some onshore racing classes and stints with a few different racing crews, we became team members on a large race boat – ready for action and ready to learn. Our crew, like us, were also inexperienced racers. Together we were trying to understand the differences between racing and cruising as we learned how to perform our various roles on the boat. We were fortunate that a couple of experienced, local sailors from the fleet offered to coach our crew and help get us into racing condition so that we could become more competitive sailors. We agreed to have them onboard to lead us. It wasn’t long before I was reminded of an early lesson about the power leaders have and how they can negatively affect performance. Here’s how it went.

Not long after we raised our sails it was clear that our coaches’ preferred style was to yell and frequently demean crewmembers. We were all big boys and for most of us it was kind of humorous at first. I hadn’t really been yelled at for my performance since I was in high school sports. Our crew initially assumed the screaming was a “performance” for dramatic affect to help get us focused. One guy would run around the boat and bark orders with such intensity and urgency, that I would think that his hair must have been on fire! Even though we believed they were there to help us, the unintended result was not better performance, it was fear.

Grown men were fearful of screwing up and getting yelled at in the presence of the other crew mates. That fear translated into hesitation, often at the wrong times. With someone yelling at you to turn one way, or to bring a line in, it was surprisingly easy to lose focus and do the opposite. I’m convinced that instead of avoiding mistakes, we actually committed more of them. The last straw for me was when one of our team members got so frustrated with the “leader” that he jumped over the rail of the boat, hung on to the lifeline, and yelled back, “I’m going to let go if you don’t shut the &*%# up!”

With respect to leading teams, apprehension or fear can be constructive for some if it results in staying focused and not making dumb, costly mistakes. On a large, powerful sailboat there are a lot of moving parts that can hurt you, like winches and a large, heavy boom that can cause death or serious injury if it hits you in the head. Being a little bit afraid of what can happen sometimes is very wise and appropriate. However, at some point too much fear can result in paralysis of thought and good judgment, which can also result in tragic errors.

Over thinking, worrying about making a mistake, and not reacting in time to do the right thing can be distracting and can get in the way of helping a customer, client, boss or co-worker. Have you ever been afraid to act? Do you blame anybody? If you do blame someone, remember how it felt and be sure you’re not that guy or gal.

By the way, we “fired” our coaches and finished the season performing a lot better without their help.

Typically, if we start on what we want to “fix” first, our fight or flight response is triggered and that leads us to behave defensively, or we quickly find excuses to avoid the effort. We get uncomfortable and we are less open to feedback, and soon lose commitment to making the change. Coaches can help the personal change process by helping to identify the positive reasons for making the change and building on personal strengths in order to achieve some small wins. Once those small wins are achieved, motivation can build, along with a desire to then address weaknesses.

Good leaders are good coaches. They create trust, not fear, and help those they lead find positive, personal reasons to move toward change. This approach is much more effective, particularly as an early change strategy, than demanding quick fixes to personal weaknesses. However, it also takes time and patience to achieve real results. The process starts with a leader’s recognizing and understanding the level of readiness of the individual being coached. By starting where they need and want to begin, the coaching effort can be much more productive for both parties.

For all of the potential benefits to good coaching, there can be an unforeseen challenge to incorporating it as a management practice in the workplace. That is, everyone may not view coaching as a positive. I was reminded of this recently while working with a client and discussing the topic of performance management and the supportive role of coaching. I asked about the word “coaching” and how it was viewed in their organization and I was told that the word has a negative connotation for some because it is associated with problem performance. We are shaped by our experience.

The idea of being coached can be viewed as a positive or negative based on influential experiences, some beginning at an early age. A close family member had a high school sports coach who would pull each and every player out of the game right after they made a mistake. They were then derided and made to sit on the bench and reflect on what they did wrong. Conversely, when they did something right, it was ignored and taken for granted by the coach. Consequently, whatever growth and improvement occurred for the various team members happened very slowly, if at all, because the level of fear and lack of trust that existed kept morale and motivation low. I can’t help but wonder how those individual players will view and respond to coaching by their managers when they eventually enter the workforce.

Leaders, even with positive intentions, may want to accept the fact that viewpoints can differ regarding coaching. The potential impact of the language and labels leaders use and take for granted, may not always be understood. Even a helpful word (to me) like “coaching” may trigger a negative response even before it begins.

Although training and coaching can be effective when people are highly motivated, one of the most powerful and effective approaches to influencing others to change their behavior is to model it yourself. This works at an individual and organizational level. The adage is definitely true that actions speak louder than words. People respond (learn) at a more visceral level by what they observe.

Modeling is double-edged. It may also have an undesired affect if our actions are incongruent with what we say or claim to be important. This type of incongruency might be considered hypocrisy by others and can actually destroy what we are trying to accomplish. Being more self-aware would help dramatically.

Despite positive intent and the best ideas for ourselves and others, we fail as leaders, managers, supervisors, peers, friends, parents, spouses, partners, etc. when we are not careful in avoiding hypocritical behavior. Hypocrite may sound like a strong word, that we are reluctant to attach to ourselves or others, but it may be the appropriate word.

Hypocrisy is more than just annoying. When the stakes are high it impacts the degree to which we trust each other and our institutions. When a manager says it’s important that the team supports each other, and then that same manager bad mouths one member behind the back of another – that’s hypocrisy and that’s a problem.

Our good ideas are usually not enough to influence and lead others in the direction we want them to go. The best ideas and intent are meaningless when we as individuals or as organizations act hypocritically. The result can even be a setback in credibility and trust that can take a long time to recover from, if at all. Unfortunately there are daily and high profile, examples of hypocritical behavior from politicians, business leaders, sports figures, etc. Let’s use these examples as reminders of what not to do.

I believe that sometimes we focus too much on what we think, our positive intentions, and not enough on what we do, our contradictory behavior. How do we act like a hypocrite at work or at home? Are we not getting the results we want or the relationships we want because our behavior contradicts what we say is important?

Yes, modeling can be very powerful. Beware and be careful.