I found some interesting concepts regarding change and the role of coaching in a book by Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee called, The New Leaders: Transforming the Art of Leadership into the Science of Results, London: Little Brown. Their research suggests that personal change occurs more effectively and sustainably when we are focused on a Positive Emotional Attractor (PEA), rather than a Negative Emotional Attractor (NEA). Focusing on a PEA means building on our strengths which allows us to be more open to possibilities. Often we choose, or are led down, the path toward an NEA that pushes us to fix what’s wrong with us. By following that negative route we usually get “turned off” soon after we begin and positive change rarely occurs.

Typically, if we start on what we want to “fix” first, our fight or flight response is triggered and that leads us to behave defensively, or we quickly find excuses to avoid the effort. We get uncomfortable and we are less open to feedback, and soon lose commitment to making the change. Coaches can help the personal change process by helping to identify the positive reasons for making the change and building on personal strengths in order to achieve some small wins. Once those small wins are achieved, motivation can build, along with a desire to then address weaknesses.

Good leaders are good coaches. They create trust, not fear, and help those they lead find positive, personal reasons to move toward change. This approach is much more effective, particularly as an early change strategy, than demanding quick fixes to personal weaknesses. However, it also takes time and patience to achieve real results. The process starts with a leader’s recognizing and understanding the level of readiness of the individual being coached. By starting where they need and want to begin, the coaching effort can be much more productive for both parties.

For all of the potential benefits to good coaching, there can be an unforeseen challenge to incorporating it as a management practice in the workplace. That is, everyone may not view coaching as a positive. I was reminded of this recently while working with a client and discussing the topic of performance management and the supportive role of coaching. I asked about the word “coaching” and how it was viewed in their organization and I was told that the word has a negative connotation for some because it is associated with problem performance. We are shaped by our experience.

The idea of being coached can be viewed as a positive or negative based on influential experiences, some beginning at an early age. A close family member had a high school sports coach who would pull each and every player out of the game right after they made a mistake. They were then derided and made to sit on the bench and reflect on what they did wrong. Conversely, when they did something right, it was ignored and taken for granted by the coach. Consequently, whatever growth and improvement occurred for the various team members happened very slowly, if at all, because the level of fear and lack of trust that existed kept morale and motivation low. I can’t help but wonder how those individual players will view and respond to coaching by their managers when they eventually enter the workforce.

Leaders, even with positive intentions, may want to accept the fact that viewpoints can differ regarding coaching. The potential impact of the language and labels leaders use and take for granted, may not always be understood. Even a helpful word (to me) like “coaching” may trigger a negative response even before it begins.

I delivered a series of workshops this past week on resolving conflict. I tried to emphasize how to minimize and prevent conflict – when possible. Whenever I am discussing personal behavior change, I often hear that the real problem is “my boss” or “my co-worker” and that “they should be in the session.” Of course.

Although training and coaching can be effective when people are highly motivated, one of the most powerful and effective approaches to influencing others to change their behavior is to model it yourself. This works at an individual and organizational level. The adage is definitely true that actions speak louder than words. People respond (learn) at a more visceral level by what they observe.

Modeling is double-edged. It may also have an undesired affect if our actions are incongruent with what we say or claim to be important. This type of incongruency might be considered hypocrisy by others and can actually destroy what we are trying to accomplish. Being more self-aware would help dramatically.

Despite positive intent and the best ideas for ourselves and others, we fail as leaders, managers, supervisors, peers, friends, parents, spouses, partners, etc. when we are not careful in avoiding hypocritical behavior. Hypocrite may sound like a strong word, that we are reluctant to attach to ourselves or others, but it may be the appropriate word.

Hypocrisy is more than just annoying. When the stakes are high it impacts the degree to which we trust each other and our institutions. When a manager says it’s important that the team supports each other, and then that same manager bad mouths one member behind the back of another – that’s hypocrisy and that’s a problem.

Our good ideas are usually not enough to influence and lead others in the direction we want them to go. The best ideas and intent are meaningless when we as individuals or as organizations act hypocritically. The result can even be a setback in credibility and trust that can take a long time to recover from, if at all. Unfortunately there are daily and high profile, examples of hypocritical behavior from politicians, business leaders, sports figures, etc. Let’s use these examples as reminders of what not to do.

I believe that sometimes we focus too much on what we think, our positive intentions, and not enough on what we do, our contradictory behavior. How do we act like a hypocrite at work or at home? Are we not getting the results we want or the relationships we want because our behavior contradicts what we say is important?

Yes, modeling can be very powerful. Beware and be careful.